I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
