I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
