Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
