In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
