He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
