im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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