o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
