So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
