SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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