I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
