I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
