1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
You work out of a Hotel?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
