I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
