did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
