I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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