So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
