so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
