dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
