The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
