R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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