The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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