I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
