The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize