His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Someone stole a lamp last night.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
