Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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