Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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