I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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