Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Randomize
