I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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