He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
