When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
