Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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