I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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