Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
