Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
