So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
