Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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