i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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