I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
40s are totally the cure
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
