I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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