When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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