I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize