My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
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