I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
