Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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