I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
