yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize