I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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