I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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