so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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