Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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