just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
