If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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