ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
