he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
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