When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
