i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
